Allister comes home in 9 days.

I'm really thankful that he is because lately I haven't been feeling like I have a lot of friends left. It's not like I was horrible or did something terrible to lose them all...I just feel as if everyone seems to be slipping a little further away by the day.

I've always been someone who relies fairly strongly on my friends. I don't have a solid home life so I tend to not have a stable support system there, so I turn to my friends as my support system, my family. I don't know though. I'm feeling fairly unpopular these days..not that I was ever popular...but I did have some great friends...it just seems to be hard to find them these days.

I'm a lot to take at times, I think. Sometimes I feel like my problems are harder for others to deal with than they are for me to deal with them. I've been doing it for a long time, and if it's all new to you, it's not an easy task. The feeling that there's nothing you can do to help, feeling bad all the time, guilty, it's not easy.

I think I've had to make the decision to do this by myself. I don't want to alienate my closest friends and lose them forever, so the easiest thing for everyone is for me to do this alone before I start losing everyone who matters to me.

I guess in a way it's about time I learnt to do it on my own. Afterall I can't always rely on other people to be there for me.

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I arrived in Peru a few days ago with little known plans of what i would be doing in this vast country. The fact that i had only decided to come to Peru the day before i left meant that i was ill prepared for any plans i may have had. To tell you the truth i pretty much relied on the other guys in Ecuador to plan the trip we were on but having left them for more greener pastures it was time for me to get cracking. So first thing i did was to get buy a Lonely Planet Peru. But you know how i am, if theres a book i need to read i´ll read it, unless theres a movies about it and then im off to the video store to rent it. So rather than reading my Lonely Planet i invested 14 Soles (approximately $4) to go see the new Indiana Jones movie! Conveniently set in Peru, Indie gave me the best track to follow here in Peru. Heres a brief summary:

Lima – capital of Peru. A must on the places to see and do.
Nazca – directly from the movie. Hiring a plane to fly over the Nazca Lines.
Arequipa – Hiking and rafting through canyon country.
Puno – Lake Titicaca.
Cusco – Doorstep to the ancient Inca ruins surrounding it.
Machu Picchu – The highlight of my journey is the ancient city of Gods.

Then back to Lima and then Ecuador to meet up with Andy and then back to New York.

Indie would be proud.

- allister

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You´re not going to believe me when i tell you this but stick with it anyway. Somehow, in a weird twist of fate with a story is far too long and complicated to get into right now, i have wound up in South America, backpack in hand, alone, with no Spanish to get me by whatsoever. Yeah i know.. I have trouble believing it too.

This isn´t going to be a long post, if you can consider this a post at all, because i have a plane to catch in a few hours and no its not to any Western civilisation but to yet another corner of this South American continent. Right now i´m in an empty hotel in the bustling city of Quito, Ecuador. I´ve been in Ecuador for about 12 days now. Its been an amazing experience traveling in a country with a culture so different to my own. Its just a shame i didn´t polish up my Spanish before i arrived here. (Hablas ingles?) But despite this little hiccup i´m still alive and well.

I´m flying to Peru tonight to visit the Sacred Valley, Machu Picchu, and the Amazon Basin. Hopefully i´ll be able to update with photos soon but right now i have a plane to catch. Hope all is well.

P.S. Sorry for the random post a year after my last but i thought it would be right to let you know i´m alive despite my current state of complete abandonment.

- allister

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You ever feel like you just can't stay here anymore?

I feel like I'm suffocating and every day I ruin things a little more. Nothing I do improves things at all. I feel like everything would be better for everyone if I just stayed locked in my room. Everytime I do anything someone is unhappy, or someones life gets worse, along with mine.

Prac is really challenging, and being criticised constantly by an experienced teacher doesn't make it any easier to be 22 and standing in front of 12, 14 and 15 yr olds trying to trick them into thinking you're confident and know what you're doing. It really takes it out of you, physically and emotionally. It's impossible to get through without some sort of support. I don't think people can really understand how hard it is unless they've been through it.

It's really getting to me.

I don't really know what to do.

I feel like I spend my life trying to help people, but when I'm the one who needs help...there's no one around.

I don't know if this time I can do it by myself.

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Sometimes bad things happen.

Sometimes it's just how it is.

The most important thing is that you get through it.

Let yourself be sad. Don't think you have to be ok straight away.

But know that one day...it will get easier.

Don't be ashamed to rely on people.

You don't always have to be strong.

Sometimes you need to just let it go and let someone else handle it for awhile.

Let someone else take care of you.

Sometimes bad things happen.

Sometimes...it's just how it is.

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People always tease me about never changing anything. I keep my hair the same way, have the same style of clothes, same style of shoes, I eat the same sandwich, the same meal at every place, get the same flavour of ice cream everytime since I was 5.

Triple Swirl.

Everytime.

I loved it. Why question it?

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People confuse me. Then again, I confuse myself.



You ever wonder if there's some people who are just destined to be part of your life and you know this from the very beginning? I'm lucky, because I have some great people in my life. More than one and I think that's really rare.



But people still confuse me.



Sometimes I wonder if people really get me. I tend to form relationships with people really fast. If it doesn't happen quickly, then it's probably not going to be very significant. It's always been that way for me. Even the relationships that have failed. I think it's because I know straight up if this person is going to be important to me or not and once I've worked that out, I put in everything I have.

Sometimes I'm disappointed because the other person doesn't feel the same way. Sometimes I'm disappointed because the other person doesn't turn out to be who I first thought they were. Sometimes I'm disappointed because I feel like things are only one way. Sometimes things just don't work out at all.

But every now and then...something really good happens.

I think the one that works every now and then is what makes me keep putting everything I have into it. Most of the time, I can't help it. It's who I am. If I care about someone, which I either clearly do from the beginning, or not so much, then they get everything I have. I don't always know if this is a good thing or not. I guess if you're the other person, it is a good thing, but for me sometimes, people use it, they walk all over me, they take advantage of it and inevitably, it doesn't work in my favour.

I hate not knowing where I stand with people. Then again, I don't always like to classify things, sometimes it makes it more interesting when things aren't labelled, it means it's different, it's more than what you can label. I like that.

Yet...people confuse me.

Sometimes I really hate people. They make me angry. I don't know how some people can be the way they are. So narrow-minded. So ignorant. So selfish. So inconsiderate. So...crap.

It gets to me so much sometimes that I can't handle thinking about it. I get frustrated and angry so much so that I have to stop thinking about it or I'll start yelling at the nearest person about it. It gets to me so much that I am so angry and frustrated that I can't even speak. I mean...why do people have to be like that? Is it so hard just to be nice?

Apparently so.

No wonder when I meet a good one, I have to hold on. There's too many crap people in this world. So negative I know. It's hard to be positive sometimes when you can't escape people like that.

Though there's always one...always one person that surprises you and has an uncanny way of restoring your faith in people everytime you start to get really angry and hateful about the world.

Thank god for the rare good people.

And sarcasm...because let's face it, where would we be without sarcasm?

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